they line up
in from continuous cold
the caged, panicked canary in my chest knew
all I could do was hand them food.
directed to give a cookie and a smile
their eyes
full with stories of street, abuse, smoke
saw around my smile
a smile not padlocked as the bread servers'
saw food, opportunity, luck
my canary stilled
at the little girl
who looked at the green frosted cupcake
all I could do was hand them food
MY QUESTIONS
Do you know what i am talking about? Is it too clear or unclear?
Should there be more imagery? Less imagery?
6 comments:
The imagery is excellent. You're talking about helping to hand out food, right? It feels kind of despairing, like you can only do so much but want to do more.
Hey. Very good. I kind of know what your talking about but get lost. But other then that I think it is very good
It took me a while but I understood what was going on. It's very good. But I think it could use some more description. Their faces, their actions maybe?
i think it's good on the clarity and i love the imagery. i think it's pretty darn good.
i really get strong emotions from this poem. i can feel how strongly you want to help these kids. the second stanza confuses me a little bit though, what did you mean by "a smile not padlocked"? maybe you should try and use different words to say what you mean.
I think you should add another piece to the end to emphasis how at a loss you might feel about how to help them, like its out of your hands. Very powerful poem!
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